Immigrant Song - Draining the Swamp

courtesy CNN
By: 

Ryan Oldham

 

Pondering the Trump Cabinet

 

While we may have just gone through the least expected and most idiotic presidential transition periods in the history of politics, it seems the dust is finally settling to reveal what is well and truly the least expected and most idiotic presidential cabinet in the history of politics.

Donald Trump, President of the United States of America (yup), not only failed in his bid to “drain the swamp,” but he quite simply lied to the American people. Something more than 65 million people predicted happened. Donald Trump lied. He lied his way to the Oval Office, and here we are, with 17 of his cabinet-level picks richer than a third of American households combined. Quite the swamp you’ve drained, Mr. Trump.

Let’s start with none other than Rick Perry. Remember him? He was the complete idiot that wanted to abolish three departments if he became President in 2012. What were those again Rick? “Commerce, education and ummm………” The Department of Energy, of course, was the third department he was seeking to abolish. Maybe if he’d have educated himself in debate prep, he’d have been President, but fortunately for all of us it wasn’t meant to be.

So, you might ask, which department has Donald Trump chosen for Rick Perry to run? You guessed it! The Department of Energy, of course. One theory is that President Trump saw Perry perform “Ice Ice Baby,” with Vanilla Ice on Dancing with the Stars and thought “well, that was pretty energetic.” Either way, it’s good to know that despite the majority of American voters not even wanting one reality television star in the White House, we’ve got ourselves two. It’s almost as if Donald Trump doesn’t know what he’s doing! Oh, wait.

Moving on to the Department of Justice. Trump has chosen Alabama senator, Jeff Sessions as Attorney General. It will come as no surprise that Sessions, one of Trump’s strongest campaign supporters, has come under fire in the past for saying some pretty shocking comments about LGBT citizens, Muslims and basically anybody who isn’t white and doesn’t speak English.

Sessions called the NAACP “communist inspired,” and “un-American,” for “trying to force civil rights down the throats of people.” This is coming from America’s next top cop. Wait, do we have another reality show on our hands here?

Sessions, when asked whether he thought a white lawyer was “a disgrace to his race,” for representing a black client said “maybe he is.”

He has also been accused of using racially insensitive language on several occasions, apparently referring to a black local government official as “the n***er.”

In a time of complete discord between people of color and law enforcement, this is not the person we need leading the Department of Justice.

A lesser known name heads up the Department of Treasury. Steven Mnuchin served as the finance chief for the Trump campaign, so it would make sense that he would step in to the role once the campaign was over. This is where Trump really backs down on his promise to “drain the swamp,” though. You see, Mnuchin is a former Goldman Sachs partner, senior manager and hedge fund investor. According to Fox Business, he’s worth $40 million. This makes him one of the poorest in Trump’s cabinet. Can you imagine that? Having $40 million, and still being considered poor at your new job? Welcome to the world of Donald Trump as President.

Mnuchin has never held public office (surprise, surprise), and a subprime lender he owned was fined over “dubious foreclosure practices,” so it looks like we’ve got ourselves a real good egg here.

Elizabeth Warren called Mnuchin “the Forest Gump of politics,” in November, continuing to say he “managed to participate in all the worst practices on Wall Street.”

Say it with me people. DRAIN THAT SWAMP, DRAIN THAT SWAMP.

The next one is a doozy. Remember for a few months in 2016, when political debate centered around minimum wage, specifically for fast-food workers? McDonalds workers were asking for a minimum wage of $15 so they could support their families, pay for their schooling, rent etc.

Well who better to run the Department of Labor than fast-food executive Andrew Puzder?!

Puzder is the CEO of Carls Jr. and Hardee’s, is vehemently against raising the minimum wage and blames the Affordable Care Act for a “government-mandated restaurant recession,” which has been proven as unequivocally false. A simple search will show that restaurant spending has risen sharply since the Affordable Care Act’s major provisions took effect in 2014.

Puzder also said in an interview with Business Insider that he is investing in machines because the government is making it harder to afford employees. Again, false, as along with restaurant spending being at its highest point ever, so are restaurant employee numbers.

Of robot workers, Puzder said “they’re always polite, they always upsell, they never take a vacation, they never show up late, there’s never an age, sex, or race discrimination case.” So not only does it look like the head of the Department of Labor is completely against a raise in the minimum wage, he might just replace you anyway before you can complain too much.

The secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services is Tom Price. Price wants to repeal the Affordable Care Act, despite the fact that the Republican Party were unable to come up with any alternative in the six years that the ACA has been in place. Price also wants to defund Planned Parenthood and stop insurers and employers from providing women with free birth-control.

Tom Price is also in his 30’s and is a black guy. Just kidding! Those are alternate facts, He’s actually an old, white asshole. Moving on.

I think my favorite cabinet pick has to be that of secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development. I just wish I could have been a fly on the wall when Trump chose Dr. Ben Carson, a black man, to head this department.

I’d imagine it went a little something like this.

“Mr. Trump I think we need to find a spot for Dr. Ben Carson. He was a neurosurgeon who was the lead on the first ever surgery separating conjoined twins who were attached at the head, was the youngest physician to ever head a major division at Johns Hopkins and received the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2008. I think he could do an excellent job as Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services or even a nomination for the next Surgeon General.”

“Yes, but he’s black, right?”

“Yes, but I don’t see what that has to do wi……”

“URBAN DEVELOPMENT!”

It’s hard to see what impact, if any, Carson will have on this department, but this appointment does scream “Ben needs a job give him whatever is open,” and that’s a real shame, because despite Carson’s archaic views on a lot of topics, he also seems like the crazy uncle. Let him say what he wants, he’s no harm to anybody. Now he’s in a position of power, one that he is vastly under-qualified for, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was to mess that up somehow.

This list is, of course, not the full Donald Trump cabinet, but just a taster of what’s to come over the next four years. The full list is far too depressing to write down while trying to stay sane (Betsy DeVos, anyone?), and some of the positions are yet to be filled at the time of writing, but don’t hold your breath for anybody worthy of a position. You could potentially be waiting until 2024.

I never thought I’d say this, but in all honesty I feel sorry for anybody who voted for Donald Trump under the impression that he would “drain the swamp.” They were led to believe that Trump would remove money from politics, and they were lied to. Lied to by a man who has lied before and will lie again, and again and again. Donald Trump never has, and never will be in it for the little guy, and it is with no pleasure that I can say I told you so.

Donald Trump has not only failed in draining the swamp, he’s effectively turned the tap back on.

 

Ryan Oldham qualifies as a moderate liberal in America, which makes him a right-wing conservative in his hometown of Manchester, England. Contact him at editor@southernminnscene.com